Boundaries, Re-imagined

Over the last year, you may have seen talk of boundaries popping up more than ever before. From books to clinical workshops to Instagram posts, it seems that everyone is talking and thinking about boundaries. We are excited to see this topic get more airtime, and it also made us curious. As we so often do with clients, it made us wonder, why this, and why now?

One possibility is that we needed boundaries this year more than ever. As our lives moved ever more towards the digital space and our homes became our offices, boundaries became harder to come by! And as we navigated personal stressors that mirrored our clients’ struggles in new ways, our risk for vicarious trauma increased - making emotional boundaries more crucial than ever.

As demand for care increased, many of you have told us how much guilt you feel about having to say no. We have felt the guilt, too, and it has invited us to reflect more deeply on the healing and holding role boundaries play in our lives, both as professionals and on a personal level.

Boundary-speak is not new to therapists. As a therapist or professional healer, you know boundaries are particularly important - yet in these times - be particularly challenging. Your job, and your nature, is to care. Society (and perhaps, your families of origin, other relationships, and learned narratives) may have made you feel that this care should be boundless, rather than boundaries, especially when needs are high. Perhaps you have learned that boundaries are selfish - especially when so many are in need - and create walls that keep others away.

Yet, our clinical and personal experience has shown us how boundaries can in fact create even more space for connection and safety, and that communicating and honoring our limits can model healthy practices while inviting others into authentic conversation about both our needs and their own.

Psychotherapy, and the therapeutic relationship, sets up particular boundaries to create safety, help facilitate the healing process, hold space for the experience of the client, and to ensure that the needs of the client and therapist are both met. We have come to think of these boundaries not so much as opaque barriers but rather as healthy, safe, containers.

As we (as individuals, therapists, and the collective) have reflected and explored more on boundaries recently, we have come to understand so much more about them than what we were previously taught, and find that our learning pertains equally well to our personal as well as professional relationships. Imagine, along with us, that boundaries are an inherent aspect of taking care of - not withholding from - your clients and loved ones.

Here is what we believe about boundaries:

Boundaries are dynamic; relational needs shift with time and circumstance.

Boundaries protect us and promote relational safety for us - borrowing a phrase from a Robert Frost poem, they help us to “wall in” what we need to keep safe. By protecting our energy, for instance, we can better sustain being there for others for the longer haul.

Boundaries are just as much, if not moreso, about how we are willing to show up for another person than how we are not. Sometimes when we say “no” to someone’s request, we are affirming a “yes” to another meaningful way to be in relationship with them.

When you have boundaries that work for you, you are ready to show up authentically in relationship to others - truly caring for yourself while you care for others.

When you are respectful of others’ boundaries, it allows them to do the same. In this way, boundaries can increase trust in relationships - others know that we mean what we say - whether we are saying yes or saying no.

Clear is kind, as Brené Brown says. Verbalizing boundaries helps us to be clear, kind, and consistent with those we care about.

This year has taught us in new ways how crucial boundaries are, while also inviting us to unlearn what we assumed we understood about the practice of boundary setting. We wish you ease and growth as your own boundary process continues to evolve to suit your needs. May the boundaries you engage in create the space you need to feel empowered, grounded, and cared for.